Siting on a window ledge, waiting for my turn to jump

foster_austin @ 2005-12-22T13:57:00

2005-12-22T21:57:38Z

So yeah here's a massive update, because i haven't posted anything in a long time.

I've become too emo for my own good. Don't believe me, check out my myspace. I spend entirely too much time at tristan/jocelyn's apartment. I cut all my hair off again, so it's really short. I peirced my lip. I did, all by myself, cause i'm just that cool. not really, just broke. I start school on the 9th. I have to pay $445 a month to them until august. So i still have to find a job, but the school is going to help me with that. I can't wait till Christmas because i'm spending it with Star and Joc. I got furniture from my grandfather for when i do move out. Possibly the most comfortable couch and recliners ever. I'm taking driving lessons with my dad, so look out world. And for once I can say I'm fairly content with the way things are going.

foster_austin @ 2005-11-26T22:51:00

2005-11-27T06:52:59Z

it happened yesterday (friday), I exploded. Just all of the sudden, went boom. Everything that had been just piling up inside me for so long finally just went all combustable on me. And i was right I do feel much better. like a weight has been lifted. not a very big weight but weight all the same. the stuff is still there, it didn't just magically go away, but since I've been dealing with it. trying to deal with stuff instead of just bottling it up. I'm gradually filling a notebook of all the shit that has been bothering me, and it's really helping. Now if only I look back at it and read it. I try to but it's too much, maybe one day i can. I realized I need to deal with things, and sort out what I want, and what other people want because I was just letting it all blur together, and it was starting to hurt. trying to please everybody. I'm done catering. I didn't like it. I didn't want to do it. I just didn't want to let anyone down, and that was the wrong thing for me. i need to think about what I want from now on, cause that is the route to happiness. Plus I wasn't making very much money, so i don't feel bad quiting it. now i just have to find a job for me, not for anyone else, or because i have to, but a job that can be all my own. Just something to call my own.

foster_austin @ 2005-11-07T22:44:00

2005-11-08T06:45:33Z

wow, ihave become the laziest person ever. I have done nothing really constructive for a long time now. The baby shower I'm catering is on the 20th and i have no idea what I'm serving yet. I don't have a job, nor have i been looking. Plus, it's been raining non-stop so they can't get the insulation into the hut, and i'm stuck sleeping in the house, like i have been for the past two or so weeks, with no end in sight. god, i'm lazy.

oh yeah i talked to someone that used to be my best friend, that i haven't talked to in 2 or so years. that was weird and oddly nice.

Goodbye Dublin

2005-11-03T00:47:11Z

One of my kitties was taken from me today. Her name was Dublin. I went out to see them this morning and she didn't get up to greet me. I held her. she was thin and she cried. I held her as she died. she died cradled in my hands. I wrapped her up. I dug the hole and placed her in it. I said the blessing and i covered her up. I made the gravemarker, and put flowers there. I was the only guest and the mortician. Today would have been her 5 week birthday. But today Dublin Died. Today is not a good day.

foster_austin @ 2005-11-01T12:09:00

2005-11-01T20:13:55Z

the show was good. I'm sore all over, and slightly icky feeling. kinda like a show-hangover. not fun. but the show was fun so it's okay.

foster_austin @ 2005-10-30T13:23:00

2005-10-30T21:27:53Z

VEXX show tomorrow. going with tri-stan. fun times to be had.
I passed all my ged tests. my writing score sucked (490, ack) but i'm all done. yay me. I can now proudly say that i have gotten my GED. woot.
I'm going to From First to Last with tri-stan DEC.11th. I'm so excited.

foster_austin @ 2005-10-21T12:28:00

2005-10-21T19:42:49Z

There are dandelions in the yard again. They bloomed in spring and early summer. Then they died away in the August heat. Now they're back to make their short lived appearance, before they must once more go away for the winter. I wish I was a dandelion.

foster_austin @ 2005-10-18T20:02:00

2005-10-19T03:03:15Z

GED news: I've taken four of five tests. I have social studies left to go. I've done well as far as I know. I'm actually kinda proud of my scores.

WCI news: I went today to take a tour of western culinary. I loved it. it's an amazing complex of dazzling kitchens and classrooms. I seriously never thought i could find a place that makes me so happy just to be in. I hope this feeling lasts forever. We are paying the application fee on the first to freeze my tuition ($31,585 by the way)and going in to figure out the financial aspect of it all. And then i'll be able to start Jan.9th in the patisserie and Baking program, and finish in just about a year. I'm going for my Associates degree. I'll be attending class mon-fri, 6:30 to noon. and be working at night. So i'm about to be really busy for about a year...and then who knows. so excited. Even if i do have to beg all my realtives for tuition money (looks like no christmas presents this year). my mom is being uber-supportive. She's working really hard to make this happen for me. It may have taken most of my life but I feel like we're really connectign for once. It's been a good day. "that i'll do pig, that i'll do."

foster_austin @ 2005-10-12T19:32:00

2005-10-13T02:41:22Z

tomorrow is my first session for my GED. and saturday I take my first test. excitingness. Still jobless, but i get to take a break from looking while I get my GED, and try to fit all the testing into a one week period. It's like final week all over again, but i actually have tests this time.

I was looking at an urban legends website today trying to get over my neurotic fear of earwigs(don't laugh). So i was reading this story about how there is never a documented case of bugs laying eggs in people's ears,(at this point i was starting to feel a lot better) when I get to the second half of the page and they start mentioning documented cases of bugs crawling into people's ears and getting stuck and dying. There was even one about a guy who tried so hard to get one out that he ended up damaging his innner ear with a knife, and causing himself temporary deafness. i think I'm worse off than i was before. way, way worse off.

....YRROS

2005-10-08T20:22:03Z

If it seems like i've been avoiding anyone, or not being around enough, or just not being a very good friend in the general aspect. I'm sorry. I'm Sorry I've been anti-social. I'm deeling with some shit at home and trying to get some of my own stuff sorted out. So, sorry to anyone who is feeling neglected by me lately. Feel free to give me a call at home.....(503)258-1620. ~ashley

foster_austin @ 2005-10-01T13:27:00

2005-10-01T20:30:22Z

so if i don't have a job by like wednesday, i have to call my grandfather and ask him for the money to get my GED. I'm desperate now, I've think I've actually gone to the "so desperate i'll work fast food" place. Scary. That's a very scary place.

foster_austin @ 2005-09-23T18:58:00

2005-09-24T02:04:10Z

so....
I haven't drank since Aug. 25th
I haven't done drugs since Sept. 5th
I haven't had sex since June 8th
I'm smoking less than a half pack a day

And I like it. I like feeling in control of my life again. I realized I couldn't keep going on in life the way i have been for the last two or so years. I have to get to know myself again. and to do that i have to be clean and i have to be sober.

foster_austin @ 2005-09-21T19:02:00

2005-09-22T02:11:10Z

so i've decided that if i'm ever going to acheive any one of my goals/ambitions I have to get a job. one where I can be at least slightly happy, even if it is in the smallest increment. a job where i can discover myself. that was the problem with fred meyer, i was always in my mom's shadow, i was always her daughter and not ashley the whatever. but hey at least I can build up my resume a little now that i have a little catering experience.

that and becky's thinking about moving in again. and for that to be possible we both have to have jobs. i'm not quite sure how i think about that right now. on one side it will be nice to have someone on my side again in the house, but at the same time that would mean sharing my room and ultimately my entire life with someone once again. I'm not sure if i'm ready to live in that closeness with somebody again right now. but my dad did invite her back in the house, and her being here means I hear less shit from my mom, cause my mom actually likes her, and it would help her clean up a bit.

foster_austin @ 2005-09-18T17:34:00

2005-09-19T00:36:04Z

so i just bought these cookie like things from a little chinese grocery store. they're called "hello panda" they are teh most amazing things, and they're super cute.

foster_austin @ 2005-09-16T23:28:00

2005-09-17T06:42:18Z

So yeah the Vexx show was awesome. well, except these two skin-head fuckers but whatever. I was really proud of Aaron and Brandon. they managed a huge turn out for a tuesday night during school.

I still haven't gotten payed for the reception and it's starting to slightly urk me but there's nothing I can really do, so I just have to be patient.

Tonight was such a drama filled night. it went from sort of bad to really really bad in just a few hours. that sucked. but also something i can't do anything about. So I'm just going to go curl in my bed, in my hut, and think of nice peaceful things till I fall sleep.

foster_austin @ 2005-09-11T11:09:00

2005-09-11T18:10:16Z

so my parents got back friday, and brought me lots of stuff. which is cool. and then I catered the reception last night (saturday). I'm so glad that's done. it was a lot of work, but fulfilling. I don't get any sort of payment till tuesday, so I'm still totally broke but oh well. Tuesday is also the vexx show that I'm videotaping. so after tuesday i'm like free again. It's gonna be great. I feel like i've had no real free time in the last week or so. I'm tired. so i'm looking forward to wednesday and not having to do anything for a while.

Oh yeah. my mom thinks i should go work on a cruise ship.

some figuring out.....

2005-09-09T19:17:34Z

so i think I finally understand what's wrong with me. my whole life i've moved. I've never lived anywhere else for more than 4 years and i've been in the portland area for about 7 years. it's weird. I don't how I managed this long. My whole life i was moved from place to place, and I liked it. I think that's what's wrong. I've exasperated my resources here.I never lived long enough anywhere else to get bored with it. but i'm worn out on oregon. I think the only thing that could really make me feel alive again would be to move.I like being nomadic. I was raised to be nomadic. I like the new feeling you get when you move away from everything you know. I need to move. i need to move on.

I'm thinkig all i need to do, is get a job, get my GED, save up money and go. I'm thinking either san francisco, seattle, boston, charlotte, or santa barbara. but for now it's just thinking......

foster_austin @ 2005-09-08T19:51:00

2005-09-09T02:54:32Z

so i was going through some of my stuff. I found the first 5 chapters of the book my friend jason was(is?) writing. Finally read it. It only took me over a year to get around to it. made me feel kinda bad that i never read it before. but it's done now. one more thing to erase off the list of things sending me to eternal damnation.

foster_austin @ 2005-09-03T15:27:00

2005-09-03T22:32:50Z

So yeah no party this week. my gramma is going to be here the whole time my parents are going to be gone because she's finally moving her stuff out of our house. but i can leave as much as i wantand stay out as much as i want because my mother made it very clear to her that she has no ruling over me. And I can have people over during the day. So whatever...it's still a break from my parents for 5 days.

i got rid of two kittens today. the short haired and the gray one. Now all i have to do is get rid of one more kitten and city, and i'll be in the free and clear. well, that's all for now. Later.

foster_austin @ 2005-08-28T21:04:00

2005-08-29T04:09:19Z

I talked to my friend Franny last night, who is currently in LA going to school. We talked for about an hour and a half, about everything, about everything that’s been going on for the last 2 months. It was good to talk to her. It felt like a big boulder had been lifted off my shoulders.

Then I got woken up at 5 am by a call from Becky crying and asking if she could come over. It had taken me till 3 am to get to sleep, and I didn’t go back to sleep after she got to my house, so I slept a total of 2 hours. Yay, insomnia! So yeah I’m tired, sleep-deprived, sore ( I threw my back out of wack), and will probably not sleep that much tonight either, but oh well.

foster_austin @ 2005-08-25T21:39:00

2005-08-26T04:50:00Z

So last night went to this guy Mac's house with becky. It was alright, escept i was the only person there who didn't smoke weed. I felt like the odd man out all night. but it's all right, i had a few beers and enjoyed myself nonetheless.

but i had to get up and hurry home and start cooking, cause today i had to make samples of all the dishes I'm making for the wedding reception I'm catering in like two weeks. the bride liked it all though, so it's ok. except that since she's my mom's friend my mom won't let her pay me. that sucks. i'm catering a whole reception, and I don't get paid. ugh....well anyways, off to bed now, I'm so beat, i think i could sleep forever.

foster_austin @ 2005-08-24T13:00:00

2005-08-24T20:09:14Z

Ok so i applied for a job today at sears (yeah for me not being lazy) and somebody found my wallet. I'm just waiting for the call to go pick it up, this day is really starting to shape up. when i woke up today i thought it was going to suck, but it's starting to actually be good.

Oh except that city has now decided to go into the neighbors wood pile, catch little mice (like itty bitty ones) and bring them home as like trophies. It's sad. she plays with them and they wriggle and are in complete agony until their little heart stops beating and then she just leaves it there and goes and gets another one. it's all the sport for her. It's really sad.

foster_austin @ 2005-08-21T19:17:00

2005-08-22T02:23:33Z

I'm coming up to gresham to look for my wallet myself, since nobody seems to be able to find it. I'll be there tomorrow, i need to stop at dave's, then java bay to see if i can give someone gas money to take me out to steve-o's

foster_austin @ 2005-08-19T18:59:00

2005-08-20T02:13:06Z

so me and my dad got into an argument yesterday. it actually turned out okay we both got a lot off our chests, and sorted some other things out.

I told my dad not to blame me for my parent's impending seperation/divorce.
He told me to stop being such a spoiled brat.

But on the good side, we made an agreement that i would get a part time job, not a full time one like i wanted, that i would continue to live at the house, and that he would pay for my GED and any other classes i decide i want to take at mt.hood. that way my money could go to me saving for western culinary. Not a bad agreement in all.

But, i did have to give up freedom for this weekend, to spend more time with my family which sucks because i had to call and cancel on Blake. which really really blows but we'll get another chance to spend time together.....hopefully.

foster_austin @ 2005-08-17T14:20:00

2005-08-17T21:31:15Z

SO I was going through my old entries.....wow. there was a lot there. not a lot of entries but a lot of feelings. it's crazy how things have changed since i started this thing. so i've decided to get back to writing in this more often, as a way of keeping my sanity(?). We'll not much to say today, actually. I have lots of bruises from sunday, and i hurt all over both physically adn my pride. but it was a long time since i had gotten even a little drunk, so it was nice to just be totally completely shit-faced. and i didn't sleep with anyone. yay me! my new resoluence is working. so proud of myself. anyways i have to go, get dressed, and stuff. Serving at the mission tonight.